Sex, Lies and HBO Insecure-ities: The Untold Story About Sex And Lady Parts
I still remember that the first movie sex scene I ever saw was when Terri’s husband bumped and grinded his cousin-in-law up against a wall in Soul Food. This was such pivotal scene that almost got Miles from Fake After Seven killed! It also felt so “hard-core” to me back then. I mean, I was born and RAISED in the church. Who knew that exactly 20 years later Lawrence and Tasha would be doing a butt-naked side bang and it would be just a regular day?
Some of you are shocked that I, little sweet Wendy, am writing an article about sex. Others are wondering how I made it 8 months in this blog as a blunt and real gynecologist without yet writing an article about sex. Well, Issa Rae Diop, I have you to thank. I have now seen the Season 2 Insecure Premiere about 6 times because it is so complex and layered and I want to catch every message and innuendo. I also love being put-on, or Woke to music. HBO’s Insecure is solely responsible for my underground-ish music exposure. I’m V103 all day so SZA is new to me. #betterlatethannever
The point is, sex is a topic rarely pontificated in any scientific way in the mainstream. I recently had a woman in her late 30’s ask me, as I had my hand on the doorknob on my way out the exam room (a clear marker for the conclusion of our visit), about how she could remedy the fact that she had never had an orgasm. She went on to ask where her G-spot was because her Internal Medicine doctor told her that I could show it to her. Needless to say, I sat back down.
So far in one episode alone, Lawrence has busted a cashew, a pecan and a pistachio, while his female leading ladies have moaned, stunned, and “Zaddy”-ed during the process, not showing any signs of on screen climax-ery. It made me ask the question, “are all hookups created equally?” The answer is, no. The following stats are compiled from a number of research studies and data.
Fact #1: Only 25- 50% of women have or have ever had AN orgasm, let alone multiple during penetrative intercourse. Said differently, penetrative intercourse alone is unlikely to lead to orgasm in more than half of all women!
Fact #2: Some studies say up to 10% of women have never had an orgasm. Ever.
Fact #3: Some women can have multiple orgasms from multiple sources, positions, and a cornucopia of styles and efforts. A blessing or a curse? You be the judge.
The Point: If penile-vaginal penetration alone doesn’t take you there, you’re not broken. or alone.
Consider the following G-spot excerpt a pre-screening for my book It Smells Just Like Popcorn. It is two-thirds of the way finished and I am so amped. Anyway, back to the subject:
Regarding the elusive G spot- get your tear-ready facial tissues out for this one- there is no proven anatomic location that is definite for the existence of the G-spot. I am imagining a bunch of sex therapists and karma sutra experts chasing me with S&M whips and chains (not that I think that is something those groups would have, but what better to chase someone with), because I am denying the existence of the infamous place. I am not. I am only denying the anatomic location in our study of anatomy in both text and cadaver alike.
To those of you who KNOW it exists, good for you. There are women who have never and will never experience this level of sensation. These women are not missing something that anatomically they are supposed to have. They just aren’t. Sorry and RIP Dr. Gräfenberg- This is the dude who coined the term and theorized the location and function. Even sex therapist have been known to deny the existence in all women. Women who have not experienced G-spot pleasure should not consider themselves dysfunctional. And no, I cannot show it to you.
The text that we studied in medical school for anatomy was called Netters. There are over 60 pages dedicated to the pelvis and perineum, 9 specifically for the nerves. It’s not in there. I even pulled out my William’s Gynecology, another text that is comprehensive and factual. There is a whole chapter dedicated to teaching the intricacies of Female anatomy. Again…
Wait, there is hope. Women are known for sexual individuality. What makes a woman’s lady parts smile may not be limited to our textbooks or technical medical study. New subject.
CNN recently released an article about why Americans are having less sex. The article proposed multiple reasons, not limited to the increased phone and social media distraction. I once wrote a riveting article about how we spend our time that tackles this very subject and proposes solutions to feeling like we are lacking time. That was a shameless plug. Back to CNN, one of my favorite quotes from the article, (because it is interesting, not because I can relate in any way, fyi, btw, ijs, tmi), is from psychologist Margie Nichols:
“Compared with earlier generations, women might be viewing sex as less of a duty to their husbands and more of a personal choice. “It makes sense that women in relationships might be losing their sex drive and saying ‘no’ more, as opposed to my mother’s generation that just spread their legs and composed a shopping list in their heads during sex,” she said. “If that’s true, then the decline in frequency is a good thing.””
A middle aged patient recently told me, “There is a big difference between doing it and enjoying it.” She gave me permission to quote her, as do all of my ladies whose examples I’ve used today and every day. She was speaking in reference to her recent decision to not have sex anymore because of pain/discomfort for which I am helping to treat her. I encounter this female perspective of discrepancies between “doing it and enjoying it” regularly.
Sometimes the disconnect between her desire and his is related to pain or discomfort. Sometimes it is an issue of interest due to issues external to the relationship. Sometimes the issues are within the relationship. Sometimes they are both perfectly happy with one another, but the disconnect arises between how often he wants to and how often SHE WANTS to. Once a month, once a week, or once a day can ALL be considered too often or too infrequent depending on who I’m talking to.
My job is to help the woman understand if her feelings are reasonable by normalizing them when they are common. I also encourage her to communicate said feelings with her significant other rather than just with me. Sex therapy is also a “thing” and there are even meds now available to help women increase interest.
Then there is a common scenario where the precedence in sexual frequency and enthusiasm set in the “courting” stage falls off of a cliff when marriage and KIDS come into the picture. I personally know of a number of couples who didn’t have sex at all before they got married, so the aftermath was, by my calculations, the come up (no pun intended). If two people start off getting “it in” (or getting “it on” depending on how cool you are with your phraseology) every day, then over time go to once per week or once per month, I could see one or both partners feeling some kind of way about that. Remedy? I don’t know. Don’t set the bar so high? Talk to the Lord? The latter always works well for me.
Last question, from me this time: Is it next Sunday night yet? #InsecureHBO