I wanted to take a moment to explain my latest parody because it was robust in health awareness topics and social etiquette content. Go with me on this Lizzo inspired journey through gestation…
Why do I feel great until I have to gestate? — Gestate is a verb meaning to carry a fetus from conception to birth.
I just took a UCG test, turns out I’m 100% PREGNANT. No wonder I’m feeling crazy. Yeah, I got bump problems. There’s a human in me. (Ring Ring) Now I solve them with the doctor I see. — A UCG test is a urine pregnancy test. Specifically it stands for Urine Chorionic Gonadotrophin, which is the pregnancy hormone. I said I see a doctor, but I support any healthcare provider who can care for pregnant ladies- Ob-Gyn, Nurse Practitioner, Midwife etc.
I think that I am pregnant, just a little. Yes there’s DHA in my prenatal. — DHA is an important ingredient in prenatal vitamins. It is one of the omega 3 fatty acids and it can only be obtained from food or vitamins. Our body doesn’t naturally make it. DHA is important for fetal brain and eye developement.
Here is where it starts to get real… #TruthHurts
Don’t guess how far I am. There are calculators for that. And now you sound like you’re calling me fat. — Hear me and hear me well. YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG. First of all, don’t presume a person is pregnant unless they have said that they are pregnant with their own mouth. Then, once you have clear and present evidence that they are pregnant, don’t guess how far along they are. You will guess too far or not far enough, both of which will inadvertently spur anxiety that the person is too big or too small. Just ask, don’t guess.
I’ll gestate and it’s gonna be great.
Don’t touch me unless I say it’s okay. — Enough said.
Bus, train let me please sit down in your chair. — This one is not about chivalry. It is more about a pregnant person’s center of gravity and tendency toward nausea. Nothing will delay your morning commute more that the pregnant lady who fell or got dizzy and almost passed out while standing on the train as you sit comfortably. And yes, you could just be nice, but letting a pregnant woman have your seat is also a practical decision. Tell a friend.
Tell stories, just don’t give me a scare. — It is human nature to share your birth story and particulary the notable parts, which have been the scary or complicated parts. Do the preggers a favor. Save some of the details for after MY baby is out. Those scary parts don’t help. They just add to the already-present anxiety.
Guess boy or girl if you’re desiring. I’ll choose if I reveal or a surprise thing. Truth is it’s my baby I’m deciding. — I can’t tell how much gender reveal shaming happens from family and friends. If a person or couple don’t want to find out, so be it. It’s there choice. AND WHAT’S MORE, if a person is having a second or third boy, or second or third girl, save the sad comments, like…
“Oh, I bet you wish it were a girl… Now you have to try again for a boy… etc.”
You aren’t trying to be mean, but it’s mean. Replace those comments with, “Oh, Great! I know your first child will love having another (insert boy or girl here).” Oh, and for those shocked that people can make the aforementioned comments, I’m telling you what I know.
Birth Hurts Second Verse
You think I look too small? No I look too big? Well my OB says that I’m okay just as is. — Remember that guessing thing we talked about earlier? Trust me, telling someone they look too small or big messes with them emotionally. What if baby isn’t getting enough nutrition? What if I have a 13 lb baby? And sometimes it comes out as:
“When I was pregnant, I was way bigger/smaller. You look like you’re about to pop.”
I’m telling you, save those comments. Trust me.
Hey I’m glad that you’ve been pregnant and you’ve had your experience but I don’t never ever ever need anymore anxiety. — There you have it.
I’m trying to think positively and listen to the things providers tell me. So when you say your friends had these things happen to her, I’m okay. I’m getting my prenatal care. — I am not suggesting that things can’t happen when you get your prenatal care, but at least you are being screened and doing the best that you can to be safe in the pregnancy. That’s the best and safest thing that you can do, and again, friends and family, save your scary stories for after I have my baby.
I’ll gestate and it’s gonna be great. Don’t stress me. Who’s nose is this on my face? — It is normal for your nose to spread in pregnancy. Own it. You’re beautiful.
Hey, when did I start growing belly hair. Don’t shave it. It’s better if it stays there. — I just think that abdominal razor bumps are unnecessary. That is totally opinion rather than science. It happens to us all. Let your belly hair flow freely!
Fresh veggies and fruit, you’ll have to rinse these. Make sure that it’s only pasteurized cheese. Truth is that you’re eating for just one please. — Wash, rinse and cook fruits and veggies when appropriate. No unpasteurized cheese, sorry. And, yes. You are only eating for one.
Birth Hurts Bridge
I just contracted for a minute. Just a Braxton Hicks. It’s limited. — The definition of a Braxton Hicks contraction by definition is: Irregular contractions of the womb (the uterus) occurring towards the middle of pregnancy in the first pregnancy and, earlier and more intensely, in subsequent pregnancies. These contractions tend to occur during physical activity.
I should call the doc. My bag might have broke. I need to be checked out like NOW. — If you think your bag has broken, like if you either experience a gush of fluid or a leak that wets more than your underwear, call and check in with your provider. It is very important to rule out rupture of membranes to keep you and baby safe.
Your bag didn’t break, no not yet. I think that you just urinated. This happens a lot. Glad you checked it out. Not yet time for pushing. Goodbye. — If your bag didn’t break, you should still be glad that you checked it out. Not be embarrassed. That is a common mistake, but again, vitally important to be evaluated.
Sis, don’t wait or start prenatal care late because testing can keep you and baby safe. — Yes, prenatal care is for the safety and protection of you and baby.
And if your due date passes, we’re here to keep an eye on your blood pressure. — Blood pressure abnormalities like gestational hypertension or preeclampsia become more common the further the pregnancy advances, even before the due date. It is extremely important to have blood pressure and other pregnancy vital signs checked throughout the pregnancy because early abnormalities don’t often have symptoms.
Let’s talk and help you in deciding when to induce. What’s the best timing? — Delivery can happen anytime after 37 weeks and be considered “on time”, but induction of labor can be scheduled anytime after 39 weeks all the way through 42 weeks. You due date marks 40 weeks. It is important to talk with your healthcare provider about what time is best and safest for you.
Birth hurts. This song’s epiduralizing! — That’s not a real word, but I like it because I can only hope that this song will help someone’s pregnancy and delivery hurt less, emotionally and possibly physically lol.